Lost In Thoughts

Saturday, May 21, 2005


You are not mine
Will never be mine
But for a few hours, you are

Lip to lip
Breast to breast
Limb to limb
I feel you
Forever captured in my mind

For a few hours, you are mine
All I need to survive thousands of lonely days
Without you


Speaking of Freedom and Liberty holding my Life's reins
Inside, the Longing to be bound by You screams

Flashing my pearly whites in Your presence
Inside, Emptiness marries Sadness

Indifferent, Unscathed, what I seem when Your lips speak of the Girl who won Your picky Heart
Inside, my Heart crushing cruelly to Bits

Look Inside
There you will see the Spirit whose world revolves around you
To utter Nothingness

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


"It is nice to hold someone else's hand even if it's cold."
- Randy, October 25, 1997
when I was feeling cold

Palm to palm
Our lives touch,
Meet over the lines
And soon we will speak
About lovers who once held them
Held us whole and let us
But first, we must get out
Of the street,
Though the stones beneath our feet
Are more bearable
Than memory.

We agree
It is tiring to move
From one stretch of emptiness
To another. We must rest
And sit and breathe easy
Even though it is with the slow tide
Of our breaths that tears always come -
That bit of water we keep
Precious inside our bodies
Replenish again and again with drink
And more drink - finally spill
Over. Leak from the
Tiniest of glands:A miracle of pain.

A bar then?
A place where under the incandescent
The kohl line under our eyes -
Butterfly wings
Over our cheeks -
DissolveAs our eyes close?


Thursday, April 28, 2005


This frail heart of mine
Wanting to believe that I have finally struck gold
Yet Wisdom forbids
For it has seen
How high hopes
Can crash and crumble
Leaving nothing but the dust of pain
Scattered cruelly in my path

But at last, Imperfection
I see you not with starry eyes
But with understanding and adoration of your humanity
And mine too

With no questions or anticipation this time, I say this:
You're My Distant Destination of Choice
That which I dare not say will come to us if it should
Or remain suspended in the air of my Dreamworld if it should not

Saturday, April 23, 2005

I Went For It

i wished
i hoped
i prayed
i planned
i did

i'm here

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Lord, I have been badly hurt before,
but You alone heard all my helpless and desperate cries.
I was so thankful to You when you sent me the Angel.
He was more than what I ever wished and prayed for.
Then You took him away from me.
Lord, I need the Angel.
It kills me to not have him in my life.
I have great faith in You.
I beg for You to make everything allright.
Please Lord. PLEASE

Saturday, March 26, 2005


I lost my Miracle
I lost the Answer To My Prayer
I lost my Heaven
I lost my Love
I lost my Angel
I lost my Life

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


The silence of the night
The shows on ETC
The smoke of my cig
The thoughts in my head
Can I give them up?
I don't think so.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

To My Angel

hope was dead before you came
solitude was my life's fact
so lonely and so resigned
all life almost gone

then the heavens sent you
the wholeness of a dream
the manifestation of a miracle
the answer to my prayer

until when this happiness would last
i have no knowledge of
thus, i'll hold on to every second with you
like i hold on to dear life

Tuesday, February 01, 2005



Wednesday, January 26, 2005

ganito pala pakiramdam
kapag nakilala mo
ang isang tao
na sa tingin mo
nakatakdang makilala mo

isa na naman kaya syang soulmate?

di ko alam

ang alam ko lang
kumakabog ang dibdib ko

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Ipagpatawad mo aking kapangahasan
Ginigiliw ko, sana'y maintindihan
Alam kong kailan lang tayo nagkatagpo
Ngunit parang sayo ayaw nang lumayo
Ipagpatawad mo ako ma'y naguguluhan

Di ka masisi na ako ay pagtakhan
Di na dapat ako pagtiwalaan
Alam kong kailan lang tayo nagkatagpo
Ngunit parang sayo ayaw nang lumayo
Ipagpatawad mo minahal kita agad

Sana nama'y ipagpatawad mo
Ang malabis na kabilisan ko
Ngunit ang lahat ng ito'y totoo

[vst and co.]

Right On, Spongecola!

bumaba ako sa jeepney
kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi
magkahalik ang pisngi nating dalawa
nating dalawa

panyo mo sa aking bulsa
ang kahapon ay naroon pa rin
tawa nati'y humahalay
sa init nating dalawa

naalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalaim ng kalawakan
naalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


It's taken much to long to get it right
Would it be so wrong to maybe find someone
A Miracle

And all you really need is everything you can never be
And so you'd give it all
For a Miracle

Is there a trace inside his face
Of a lonely Miracle
And so you wait and lie awake
For a lonely Miracle

You never really know what it is
Not until it goes
And if it comes again
It's a Miracle

And what you miss is Love
And everything below and up above
And could he bring it all
A Miracle

All you wanted was a Miracle
All you needed was a Miracle

It's taken so long to get it right
Would it be so wrong to maybe find someone
A Miracle

Is there a trace inside his face
Of a lonely Miracle
And so you wait and lie awake
For a lonely Miracle

[vertical horizon]

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

i'm happy with what i regained
i won't ask for anything else

just yet

Nicely Put, Mr. Michael

Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
There's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Saturday, January 01, 2005


something started today
could it change my life?

i still question myself
though the answer is apparent

Friday, December 31, 2004

To The One Who Used To Call Me His Amaranth

Invisible war
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Strained maneouvres keeping silent score
In this invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

It wounded deeply
The scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry
And you bleed a little more

In this invisible war
Seems we're waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

Want to go away
I still love you

Got to go away
I'll always love you

Got to be away
Time heals all wounds

Invisible war

[julia fordham]

Happy New Year

New Year's Day in four hours.
So glad the year's leaving.
It left me with so much scars.
Scars too deep.
Scars that will forever remind me of the all-time lows of my life.
All I can wish for is happiness.

Just happiness.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

it's my Hope's birthday
wifey came over
beautiful couple

he'll always be my Hope

God, please send my "forever mine" now!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Never Will You Read This

you scare me like death
yet, i'm drawn to you like a moth to a flame

i'm tempted to find out if you're real
but just one touch of you might burn all of me
i must fight it

but i don't think i want to

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Daddy's Little Girl

listening to "Butterfly Kisses"
i am an orphan
but not fatherless

daddy's in heaven
forever loving us
forever with us

May Pag-asa Pa Nga

katulad ni dunnabebe, kapag nakikita ko sya, naniniwala akong may pag-asa pa ang mga kalalakihan ng mundo. salamat sa kanya. he may never know it but he probably might make me believe in commitments again. probably.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Missing Them

i miss:

> my batchmates at SOCA/C-cube (1 year na sila dun. huhuhu...)

> my dad

Saturday, November 20, 2004


God hears out our prayers
I know

Before I started to work again
I prayed to meet my ideal man
I met him
Perfect Being


God hears out our prayers
We just need to be specific with them

If I just prayed to meet my ideal man who I am going to be with forever
I would not be feeling bad now

Sunday, November 07, 2004

My Life

when i stopped going to school, i dreaded the fact that i wasn't to graduate together with my batchmates. i dreaded the fact that i missed a lot of school happenings.

i decided that i would work exactly a year ago. i didn't know what i was getting into. all i knew then is that it was a thrill for my unexperienced 19-year old undergrad self to apply for a job, get interviewed, take qualifying exams, and get hired - when 2 engineers, a self-assured registered nurse and a teacher all didn't get accepted.

training was a blast.

then the fcp floor. the real world.

i had to work. really work. my brilliant thoughts weren't enough. taking action was far more important.

i didn't get spared from remarks that left me red-faced and wanting to hide in the washroom for eternity.
but at the same time, i proved to myself and to the people around me that i, the youngest agent then, could get my name on the top of the list of agents with the highest QA scores.

i learned the value of money, the real value of money.

i learned to get out of my comfort zones and challenge myself to go for something that's possibly beneficial but very unfamiliar to me. being passive almost destroyed me. none of that for me ever again.

accountability and sense of responsibility, all i can say is: am i glad i have you both now!

i found out that people who put me down and those who don't respect me need not be worried about, and that i am better off not caring about what insincere people think of me.
i know what i am. and i know that what i am is far better than what those people could ever be.

my dad's death changed me profoundly. but it is i, with the help of God, who changed my life. and i am so glad that i have done so. i am a positively upgraded and fully-loaded version of myself. i feel ready to take on anything. i am no ordinary 20-year old. i am proud of who i am and what i am.

my life has taken a different turn.

no matter what other people do, the wisdom that i have acquired in my young age can NEVER be taken away from me.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

somewhere out there...

i have always believed that fate would bring you to me
i don't know when, i don't know how
i just know it would

the man of my dreams
who could you be?
faceless man in my dreams
i need you

love and dreams were at their peak inside me...

...when i was with him
in a simple hut in the fields
crickets and frogs could be heard
the moon shone brightly at night
all the stars of the universe were in sight

...when i was with him
eating doughnuts and sipping coffee at the steps of a bank
the whole city in view
the cool air

...when i was with him
in the park
a lake in front of us
stayed there til the evening came

all that is gone away forever

no regrets

love and dreams will peak again
but when?

Kung Anu-anong Kaanuhan

*meron bang number one fan?
number one supporter?
number one lover?
kailangan na kayo sa laban!*

*linya at emosyon ng kapatid ng bidang babae sa pelikulang tungkol kay kamatayan na na-inlove - hindi yun dapat, pero ganun nangyayari*

*walang magawa sa nakatatak sa emerald tablet*

*nakakatakot yung parang nasa labas ng liga ni kuwan pero susubukan pa rin*


Natapos ang isang paglalakbay

Maraming tanong na hindi pa nasasagot

Malamang ay hindi na masasagot kahit kailan

Ilalagay na lamang ang lahat sa nakaraan

Di na babalikan

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Bruised Soul

The bruised soul is lost in a sea of thoughts
Thoughts that suck the life out of it

Strong as the bruised soul may seem to others, this is only a facade
A facade used to hide away the insecurities, the grief, the fears

Words come out of the mouth like water gushes out of a faucet
But solid sorrow is like a strong hand that abruptly closes the faucet to its temporary death
A need to release opens the faucet and lets the words come out again,
fresh from the deep well that is the core of the bruised soul
Words that may be happy or pained.
Happy words hide
Pained words hint the truth
Happy words come out more often

No ear knows the words about the truth of the torture
For no ear wants to hear the the truth that there is torture
With no ears to listen, there is no liberation, no healing,
no closure, no peace

Explanations, explanations
People get sick of them
People who do not care do not want to hear them
Why then are you still in the bruised soul's life if not to care?
Did the bruised soul give so little that you resent its every breath?
Or too much that you have resigned to thinking that you are way up there above its life for you to care?

Questions, questions
How sweet they sound to this bruised soul!
Questions of curiosity can easily be mistaken for questions of concern, the bruised soul is aware of that
But the bruised soul likes to make believe that all questions it is asked are out of concern

Pay mind to the bruised soul
It does not cost much except some of your time and a little bit of your love


Land of Cool Air
Land of Peaks

In awe I will always be
Of the beauty that you are

Land of Strawberries
Land of Summer Refuge

If I did not know better,
I would think I was your child

Land of the Loving
Land of my Dreams

My Love is here in the Big City
Still, let the Love I feel be in all your corners